Living For The Moment...

Who Am I? Warning...emotional post.

Ok, I have been away from my blog for a while, but I have sort of stepped back from everything.  I have debated on whether to post or not to post, as I really hate to post when I am feeling so crappy, but I plan on having this year printed and bound, just so that I can look back and understand how I was feeling later on in life.  I don't really want to forget this time, as this is all about growing, learning and getting in touch with who I am again.  However, I have been in a really deep, dark hole for the last few weeks and it really is no fun.  The only way that I can describe it is like you are in a hole and you start to climb out and you see the littlest bit of light, you climb faster to try to crawl out and then BAM...you slip and you fall back to the bottom of the hole...this is my life.

I have been struggling for the last two weeks with everything from school to home.  Everything seems like a struggle lately...even the easiest tasks are monumental.  There are some days where I just feel like pulling the covers over my head and forgetting the whole world.  Sometimes I feel like my feet are in quicksand yet my mind is on overdrive and I just cannot seem to gain my balance.  I am finally out of my fog and I am just feeling reality right now...and it hurts.  I am struggling with many issues right now, the biggest of all is who am I?  I have been working on asserting myself and gaining the independence I need to stand on my own two feet.  However, whenever I seem to stand upright, I seem to get knocked on my knees.  For instance, I made changes to the office, and now I am struggling with guilt over the changes...I know it sounds crazy, but I am struggling to find a way to deal with "what would Marshall think?" This is where the independence thing comes in...I am struggling with how to do things my way and not worry about what others think.  I am simply trying to find a way out of the devestation that has been my life for the last  11 weeks.  There are many changes coming which have been hard to make, but necessary for the well being of my kids and myself, as my kids come first and they are the ONLY reason why I push myself each and everyday.  I have to make sure that I am the best mom that I can be to them and put their needs first.  They are my whole world now. 

I made a move last week that I am also struggling with...I made the very hard decision to start packing up Marshall's closet.  I never thought I would be able to remove his stuff, as in the beginning I felt like cleaning out his closet would be sort of like erasing him...well, the issue is that everytime I pass his closet the fact that he isn't here is just solidified.  Cleaning his closet brought a whole bunch of tears and some smiles, as the man never got rid of anything...nor did he ever tell me that he didn't like stuff I bought him.  I found 17 pairs of shorts , 9 shirts, 4 ties and some pajama bottoms, all of which still had tags on them.  I found stray candy wrappers in various pockets of his jackets and pants, as the boy wasn't supposed to eat that much candy, but he was sneaking it...A LOT of it and this discovery made me smile.  The man had SO many clothes that I currently have 10 bags of clothes in the garage which I will donate when I am ready...one step at a time.

I am still sitting on the edge of whether or not to participate in the graduation ceremony, as I found out it will be on the 6 month anniversary of Marshall's passing (June 27th) and I am worried that this may be to much for me.  However, I ordered my cap and gown so that I can decide later on down the line.  I am just really worried about losing it...losing it during graduation, as I received my cap and gown in the mail and what should have been a moment of accomplishment was a 2 hour cry fest which was followed by me throwing the box in the closet.  I am not sure that group counseling is doing more than just revisiting my sadness every week and mixing it up with other peoples sadness, but I am sure it will help me in the long run.  At least that is what I am told. 

I am just looking forward to the day when I can say I am happy again.  Again, I am so sorry for the crappy post, but it does feel good to get my feelings out.

This has been keeping me away from my blog...

I re-did this whole room myself, down to hanging the big letters (which was major frustrating), painting the walls and putting together the furniture.  Now, I have to finish a few projects and some homework, as everyone knows decorating a new scraproom is way more important than homework.

   

 

  

 

 

Build-a-Bear

Today I took the kids to Build-a-Bear as this is something that Angel really wanted to do for her birthday and it helps that I won a gift certificate at the AHA Crop last weekend.  We had fun, but it did take a lot to keep it together.  I have been struggling this week and it seems like this grieving thing gets a little worse as time goes on.  I think it is that I am coming out of the shock of losing Marshall and into the hard reality that he is gone.  It has almost been 2 months since I have spoken to him and I just miss him so much.  I think it doesn't help that I am not sleeping again.  I think I get 2-3 hours of continuous sleep on a good night and the other nights I wake up every hour.  If I go to bed at 10 I will wake up by midnight or 1am and I will not be able to go back to sleep.  Nothing seems to help and it seems like upcoming milestones make it worse.  Last night I didn't fall asleep until 3 am and I had to get up at 6 am for a learning team meeting.  I have a paper due on Tuesday I will be working on tonight and I am just hoping that the focus faries save the day, as the lack of sleep along with the sadness is making it hard to focus.  I am still wondering how I am pulling an A in this class.

Speaking of school, I have a total of 18 more classes (3.5 courses) to attend which means I will have approximately 24 more papers due, 3 more presentations due and 4 more finals.  I am so happy this part of my life is almost over.

I have been getting ready to re-do the office/scraproom this weekend and thank goodness I sampled my selected paint on the wall before fully committing to a color, as I first wanted auqa, then I went to periwinkle, and then I wanted olive green (I cannot even make up my mind on a paint color).  I went to Home Depot and seached for quite sometime before I found a paint I wanted.  I picked up a quart of it, as HD does not have samples.  I tested the color on the wall and Daniel popped his head in the room.  He took on look at the color and said "Mom, that kind of looks like the color when Zoe barfs and it dries up and gets crusty."  Well, alrighty then, I guess olive green is out.  I think I am back to blue, but one could spend a small fortune sampling paints.  I am going to call Lowes tomorrow to see if they have samples to buy, as HD has really been less than helpful.  I had gone in to see if I could get a quote on re-doing the kitchen counters (I have a huge crack in my counter, thanks to setting a crockpot on the seam) and the office counter as well as adding some cabinet doors to the open shelves in the office.  The girl helping me acted like she was so put out and basically told me that in order to have HD install granite counter tops and the back splash I would need to go home, measure my counters and bring the measurements in.  Then HD would quote the job based on my measurements.  How is HD supposed to figure out how difficult the install will be since I have ALOT of custom cabinets and the corion is cut funky in several spots to accomodate the appliance docking docks on the at the ends of the counter.  HD also told me that I needed a minimum of 31.5 feet of linoleum for them to even think about the install.  I told her I was amazed that in our current economy that HD was willing to turn down jobs, but their loss will be a subcontractors gain.  I really do not like HD and I remember when Marshall and I tried to get them to quote flooring and they acted the same way.  I got a quote from another contractor then I went to HD.  I asked for the store manager and Marshall and I told him that the enthusiasm that his flooring salesperson displayed lost the company a 15k job.  He tried to pitch us, but it was to late and we left.  No wonder HD is having a tough time, as I am sure they lose many jobs due to their arrogance.

I picked up the book iPod and iPhones for dummies.  I am currently trying to figure out the 32G iPod Touch I bought Marshall for Xmas, as Marshall ALWAYS handled the technical stuff.  In the past if I wanted something on my iPod I would write it down, hand it to Marshall and he would make the magic happen.  I am not so technically savy when it comes to home electronics.  I am ashamed to admitt it, but after Marshall passed away it took me almost 2 hours and the help of one little 8 year old to figure out all of the TV/DVD/VCR/Stereo remotes.  I was so frustrated and Daniel fixed it in like 2 minutes.  He told me I should have paid better attention when Daddy was showing me how to use the remotes *LOL*  I haven't turned the Wii on since Marshall passed away and I think we are going to flip it on next weekend, as I still have 2 unopened games for my balance board that I would like to play.  Hopefully I don't chicken out this time, as I have never played the Wii without Marshall, except the of course when I was trying to beat one of his high scores.  Hopefully I can figure out how to turn the stupid thing on without getting ridiculed by my 8 year old *LOL*

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGEL!!!

Well, my first one has left single digits and is into the double digits.  I can't believe Angel is 10 years old, as I can remember the scared little 4 year-old that hid under the bed when we had our first adoption meeting with the kids.  This morning Daniel and I woke her up with a happy birthday song and tonight we had a low key birthday with the grandparents, pizza and cupcakes.  OMG, I cannot tell you how much I love my little girl...She IS the sunshine in my day.  All of these little milestones are so bittersweet, as having your babies grow up is both hard and exciting, but there is a feeling of accomplishment, especially when they do things to make you proud (she received her final grade on her mission...300 out of 300 (PERFECT!). 

I found a little something last night...

I was cleaning out our office, as I am getting ready to re-do it to more of a scraproom/office than just an office with scrapbook stuff in it KWIM?  When I work in the office I want to be inspired and I want to be surrounded by pictures of my kids and color.  Well, I pulled some stuff out of one of my drawers and I found a Valentine's Day Card from Marshall.  I am pretty sure it was last years card, but he always writes something special to me and this one was no different.  It said:

"Hi Sweetie,

I know I tell you this alot, but I can never say it enough.  I love you more today than I did yesterday and probably less than I will tomorrow."

OMG, I am so happy I found that card.  It brought tears, but it also brought a flood of beautiful memories of our life, as Marshall always did sweet little things for me.  I am so lucky to have had Marshall in my life.

Finally...our life is slowing down a bit

At least today it is, as this last week has been hectic.  First we had to trip to Disney, which was such a empowering, yet bittersweet experience for the kids and I.  This trip made us realize that we can go on vacation on our own, but it was really, really sad not having Marshall with us...We missed him so much on this trip.  I Think the most difficult time of our trip was at the fireworks show on Friday night.  I swear, Marshall would make us find a spot to watch the fireworks a couple of hours before the show even started.  He or I would run and pick up dinner in our spot and just wait.  This time around I was a little frazzled, as Daniel wanted to ride Indiana Jones before we left for the evening and Angel wanted to shop...so we were running around tomorrowland when the show started and the three of us just stopped in our tracks and watched.  I looked over and Angel is sobbing and I asked her what's wrong, but I already knew.  She said "Mommy, everyone is so happy and having fun with the fireworks and other kids get to watch with their dads, but my Daddy is gone...I miss him so much."  She couldn't have said it any better, so we both watched the show and cried.  You know it doesn't help that Disney plays a bunch of sappy sad songs during the show *LOL*  After the fireworks we rode Space Mountain and I let the kids pick out a treat from the candy store before we left the park.  We are looking forward to our next trip.

When we got home from Disneyland I pretty much ignored the V-Day...yup, I pretended it didn't exist.  I didn't go to the store and I didn't watch TV.  I went out with friends (they introduced Marshall and I) to see my BFF's husband's band.  I got my straight hair on and went out.  I had fun, but reality hit me in the face at midnight when I was faced with homework.  I did my homework and met with my learning team at 8am on Sunday.  At 10am I left for the American Heart Association Crop at PMP and had wonderful time.  The crop was in memory of Marshall with all proceeds going to the American Heart Association.  I met so many wonderful ladies and I am SO thankful for all of the support for the cause.  I just cannot say enough about my scrappy girls...I love you all.  I brought my camera, but forgot to take pictures.  I got 4 layouts done which was exciting seeing as I have not scrapped since before Marshall passed away.  I also won 3 very cool raffle prizes, one for me, one for Angel and a BIG one for Daniel.  I NEVER win anything, so I wonder if a little angel on my shoulder helped.

When I got home from the crop my sister asked me to leave the kids for one more night since it was storming, so I settled back into homework.  I wrote a paper and worked on a team project, both kept me pretty busy until this morning.  I cannot wait until school is over and I have a little more freedom.

Anyhow, here are some of my favorite pictures from the weekend.

   

 

  

      

        

  

  

Day one...I am outnumbered and I know it

We had a wonderful first day at Disneyland and I am so stinking tired.  We had breakfast at Goofy's kitchen at 8am this morning and got into the park when it opened at 10am.  We did the whole waiting at Mainstreet for the rest of the park to open and there were some tears when Mainstreet opened and we did the walk into Tomorrowland...on my part and on Angel's part, as Tomorrowland was Marshall's favorite part of Disneyland, especially Space Mountain.  We actually carried a little picture of him in my wallet and both kids asked to take it out on a few occasions and I let them.  Both Angel and Daniel shared some memories of our last visit to Disneyland which was good, as we had a whole bunch of smiles and giggles when we talked about some of the quirky things about their Dad.  Marshall was so conservative and pretty reserved at times to the outside world, but the kids and I knew a whole different side of him.  Marshall just loved Pooh Bear and each time we visited Disneyland he had to visit him I have a few cute pictures of him from our last trip.  We also talked about how the three of us need to have fun and go places on our own and WE ARE DOING IT, the three Musketeers with and angel on our shoulders.  I am so thankful for my kids as they give me so much strength and they give me a reason to wake up every single morning and thank God for the time he gave me with Marshall.  I could not have asked for a better best friend, soulmate, husband and father to my children...he made me such a better person and made all of my dreams come true.  I do miss him so much it hurts, but with each step forward I am learning how to deal with the hurt and how to better cope with my new life. 

Today was a whole new experience with just the kids and I, but I think I did well, as I did not lose one kid, not even for a second.  Surprisingly I don't have to worry about Daniel, as he always stays very, very close to me in public and very rarely lets me out of his sight.  My little boy is a worrier and I am a little concerned as he has gotten a little worse since his dad passed away, but we are working on it.  I am so outnumbered and my kids know it, but all in all, they were really good.  I am so proud of them.

Overall, we had a very good day at the park.  The kids ate a bunch of junk and we rode a bunch of rides.  The highlight of my day was that Daniel was able to participate in the Jedi training (notice I didn't say he got picked)...I will be posting a video when I get home.  The highlight for me was not that he got to participate, but the fact that the Jedi Master picked Angel and not Daniel, which was devastating to Daniel, as all he talked about before our trip, on the plane, on the shuttle to the hotel and on our walk to the park was Jedi Training...OMG, my heart broke in a million pieces when he picked Angel and not Daniel.  Well Angel put the robe on got on the stage, looked over at her brother, walked over to the Jedi Master and whispered something to him.  She then walked off of the stage, took off her robe and handed it to her brother.  She also wanted to participate, but she told afterwards that she knew that it was really, really important to her brother...I almost lost it right there, this one single unselfish act made this whole trip for me.  I was so proud of my little girl, as Angel and Daniel always argue and fight, but she just couldn't stand to see his feelings hurt, as she knew how much he wanted to participate.  Angel is such a good girl and she has a huge heart.  Watching my kids love each other makes my heart smile.  The park closed at 8 and we left at like 7:45, as Angel and I were done, but Daniel (aka the energizer bunny on caffine), could have gone all night.  It's amazing that this is the same boy who only a few short days ago couldn't muster the strength to walk through the mall. 

We had Subway for dinner, took baths and both kids fell asleep by 9:30.  I tried adding pictures, but the connection here at the hotel is really slow, so I will post some pictures when I get home.

We made it safe and sound...

Well, we made it to our hotel, safe and sound, but not without a hitch.  You know, I made the reservations with the travel agency over the phone on January 30th over the phone and received my package 2 days ago in the mail.  I was a little concerned at how long the package took to arrive, as my hotel and park tickets were in the package.  I booked my flight through Southwest before I even booked my hotel with the travel agency, as I wanted to make sure I could get a decent rate on the airline tickets before I decided to go.  Well, the flight went well and I came out of it a little frazzeled, (Daniel makes Dennis the Menace look like an alterboy), but in good shape.  We took the Disneyland Express to our hotel and proceeded to check in.  Now, when I received my package I glance at it and say the 11th through the 14th which was a saturday through a Wednesday, sounds good right?  Well it would be good if the travel agent I booked with ON THE PHONE, made my reservations for February instead of November, yup, she booked us for November 11ththrough the 14th.  I didn't notice it on the travel voucher as I didn't pay attention to the month, as I only payed attention to Wednesday the 11th through Saturday the 14th, so it is my fault for not noticing the month...I think what happened is when the agent put the date on her computer she must have put the 11 in first therefore booking my trip for November.  I could have sworn she confirmed February on the phone, but who knows.  Well, here's the good part, I have to straighten out my reservations and the travel agency is CLOSED!  So now I am standing in the lobby of the Portifino Inn with no husband, two children and NO ROOM!  I am so freaked out and I am determined not to cry, but then I started to shake...really, really bad.  I think the guy behind the counter thought I was going to have a stinking nervous breakdown.  I didn't want to be forced to stay at the Super 8 down the street, but if I had to I would.  However, the staff at the Portifino so took care of us and found us a room...I would stay here again in a heartbeat, as they were so kind and so nice.  I was proud of myself for getting through this little                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 on my own and I truely think that God is throwing me alot of stuff lately to make me stronger, as he never gives you what you can't handle.

We got into our room at 11:30 and it smelt like someone had been smoking, but I didn't want to make a big deal, as the hotel staff has bent over backwards to accomodate us.  Now, last week, when my sister and I went out of town we booked at one of the only vacant hotels in Sacramento, which was the (Low) Quality Inn.  When We got into our room it smelt funny, so I pulled out a bottle of Fabreez and sprayed the heck out of the room.  I though my sister was going to have an aneurysm she was laughing so hard...I guess she was wondering who in their right mind travels with cleaning supplies like Fabreez...I do.  My fabreez came in handy tonight to...I will always suggest traveling with fabreez.  I am looking forward to tomorrow as the kids are showered, clothes are laid out, and the wake up call is setl  I am looking forward to tomorrow!

I am back at school (warning, another emotional post)

Well, I went back to school tonight and I am less than thrilled.  I haven't been to school since December 16th, as I was on break for the holidays when Marshall passed away.  I wasn't sure whether I would actually go to this class until I drove in to the parking lot.  I have always prided myself on turning assignments in on time and actually reading most, if not all of the assigned reading.  Well I turned in my assignment early and I read the assigned reading, but was horrified to discover that during class I couldnt' remember what I had read...yup, my  brain paused.  When the instructor looked at me all I could do was provide a blank stare...I am willing to bet if I had a mirror I would see the sort of blank stare that resembles a deer in headlights.  During break I went to the bathroom and cried...I hate that I couldn't get through class without crying, hate that I couldn't be stronger and I hate that I can't seem to remember anything. 

My MIL watches the kids on my school nights and I love her for helping me out like this, as I am not sure I could have gone back without her help and support.  After she left I went to check on the kids and Daniel woke up.  He said "hi Mommy, could you please get Daddy because I need to tell him something."  I told him that I couldn't do that and he asked why.  I told him "Daddy is gone" and he said "it's ok Mommy, I can tell him in the morning."  At that point I started to cry again and he said "Mommy, I am sorry I made you sad, but I just forgot Daddy died."  This is almost to much to take, but I know I need to work through this for my kids and for myself...I know I will get better at coping as time goes on, but I am also hoping that the physical pain of losing my best friend also lessens as time goes on, as sometimes I think the pain of losing a limb would be easier to deal with than losing my best friend.  I miss him so much.

Tomorrow we leave for Disneyland and I am looking forward to getting away with my kids for a few days.  I am planning on making a video when I tell them and will post it when we get back.  I am hoping that visiting the happiest place on Earth will make the sadness take a backseat for the weekend.  I am pretty sure that all of these emotions are the result of my preoccupation with the fact that this Saturday I will be spending my first Valentine's Day in 12 years without Marshall.  My friends are planning on keeping me busy, but I am thinking this may be a day for me to pull the covers over my head and forget about the world for an entire day.  

I will post pictures of our trip in a couple of days.

The kids are still in the dark...

The kids are still in the dark about our upcoming trip to Disneyland.  We had to go to the mall yesterday to buy shoes and a couple of T-shirts for me.  Navigating the mall with Daniel is like trying to get though a china shop with a baby Rottwieler puppy...OMG, you would have never thought the kid had to go to the mall.  He is so his dad's boy...Marshall hated shopping, as so does my son, so Marshall would always keep him at home when I went shopping.  I do not have this luxury any longer, so I have to take him with.  At one point he was following me through the mall on his knees cause he said his legs were no longer working. *sigh*  I guess I will end up shopping less which will lead to no spending money, as going to the mall with Daniel will eventually cause me to have a nervous breakdown *LOL*  I was ready to call the gypsies to come and pick him up...In reality, I almost called my Dad to come and get him, but I know that is what Daniel was gunning for, so I made him stick it out.  We got through it a little worse for the wear, but the point is we got through it. 

I am going to pick the kids up on Wednesday from school and drive to my parents.  We are going out for dinner and they will drive us to the airport afterwards.  At that point I am going to tell my kids we are flying to Vegas by way of LAX to visit my SIL.  The point is I am trying to get to the Disneyland Express without my kids figuring this out.  I am not sure it will work, as Daniel is really, really sharp and perceptive, so he may get it.  Not to say my daughter is not sharp, but she is gullible and she tends to be a little, let just say unaware of her surroundings.  She is so my child...I was just like her at that age.  I am looking forward to this trip, but it will be bittersweet without Marshall, as we had intended to take them to DL over the summer after I finished school, but we never made it back as a family of 4.  I think Marshall would be proud of my for working my way though taking the kids on my own. 

I start school again tomorrow.  I am really, really nervous about going back, as my team member Grace has told me our other classmates are looking forward to my coming back.  While I am flattered, I am also scared that I will cry.  I am only scared about crying because once I start it is really hard for me to stop.  We will see how it goes, but in order to graduate in June I cannot miss another class.  I am not worried about maintaining my 3.99 average at this point, as I just want to get through the next four classes as best as I can.  Things have changed and priorities have changed...I will do my best and maintaining my GPA would be awesome, but lets face it, at this point being a perfect student is overrated and finishing is the goal. 

This weekend I went to Old Sacramento with my sister on a little sister roadtrip.  The kids stayed with my parents overnight and we took off.  We also ran down to Cache Creek so I could leave a very small donation...I don't gamble much because 1)  I never win and 2) I am less than thrilled by the prospect of going home smelling like an ashtray.  I had fun, but was glad to be back home.  After we got hom, my dad and mom treated us to a move.  We saw "Push"...my dad thought it was more of a superhero movie than it was.  It was not a kid movie, but it wasn't like when Marshall and I made the huge error of taking the kids to see Hancock.  Oh my goodness, that movie was so inappropriate. 

Here is a little picture of my sister and I.  I love the picture, but didn't realize that you can see the gum in my mouth.  My sister was quick to point it out *LOL*